Film #37: Conan: The Barbarian

Oh boy. So inevitably, there will be movies I will watch that come up a little short. One of those movies I have reviewed was The SpiritNeedless to say, I didn’t give that movie much credit…at all. It was horrible. This trend is bound to happen once and a while. As you can already probably guess, this is the same style of review that I am giving the recent remake of Coco: The….I mean….Conan: The Barbarian. 

First of all, I had seen maybe half of the original with “The Governator” himself. It was nothing to brag about. In good fashion, I was fully ready to stop watching this rendition near half way through out of sheer… disgust. The writing was bad. The graphics were bad. The amount of blood used…was bad. The casting was bad, aside from maybe Rachel Nichols. The overall taste of this film left a horrible residue on the roof of my mouth. Like after eating Captain Crunch, I needed a good rinsing.

This is more than me telling you to stay away from this film. This is me telling you to stay away from this franchise. The entire premise of a warrior going off and slaughtering everyone who even remotely tries to mess with him is so over the top. With skulls being squashed like watermelons, and dialogue that could make a 5th grade literary hopeful seem like Quentin Tarantino…I beg you not to see this. The intro scene to this movie alone begs the eternal question through this film…”Really?!! WHY?!”

If I was giving films ratings on my blog, which I don’t, I would give it “two thumbs down”, “F”, “1 out of 10”, and the cou de gra, “A mother’s disappointed glance.”


3 thoughts on “Film #37: Conan: The Barbarian

  1. Noel

    I tend to agree with Eric’s review…it was pretty brutal for me. I actually didn’t even finish it. Too much lame cliche dialogue.

  2. Wow! I wasn’t that bad. OK, close though. I loved the original with Arnold S. Though the acting in the original wasn’t much better, I liked the look and feel of it. And the story was better. The takeaway quote from the original was “Do you wanna live forever?”. The quote from the remake was “I live. I love. I slay. I am content.” Enough said. These are not meant to win awards. they are pure entertainment. The remake just wasn’t as entertaining as the original.

    1. I would agree with you dad, which is why I usually don’t rip apart movies like I just did. Almost any movie like this can entertain me. This was just different for some reason. It just felt so over the top…like forced macho’ness. It rubbed me the wrong way. The story was fairly interesting though, I’ll give you that.

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