The Exhale of Living

Too many people blaze trails through this life, leaving proud pathetic paths carved on the edge of a knife.

Their perfect, pristine, palaces pretend to cover their strife. The truth is terribly tragic and mirrors more of a fight.

Why is there fascination with fast progression? Living at the speed of coffee, rarely a minute of stagnation.

When did smelling, seeing, hearing become hyper senses? No time to stop, the essence of life is…

Treasuring time, timing moments, recognizing love still has potence.

Where for art thou Lingering? Your friends, beauty, quality, and listening?

Your perfect presence is, more than you know required. The scene that you all sell is so desperately desired.

Take heed to the man short winded today, Will he measure life in breaths? Or breaths taken away?

Suicide Note, and The Reason Eric Peterson Does What He Does

A few years back, in a class, I read this note. This note was the catalyst that touched my heart and gave me a passion to work with the lost and hopeless. God Loved Her. So Much.


…An Asian American college student was reported to have jumped to her death from her dormatory window. Her body was found two days later under a deep cover of snow. Her suicide note contained an apology to her parents for having received less than a perfect 4.0 grade point average.


Suicide Note

by Janice Mirikitani


How many notes written . . .

ink smeared like birdprints in snow.

not good enough not pretty enough not smart enough

dear mother and father.

I apologize

for disappointing you.

I’ve worked very hard,

not good enough

harder, perhaps to please you.

If only I were a son, shoulders broad

as the sunset threading through pine,

I would see the light in my mother’s

eyes, or the golden pride reflected

in my father’s dream

of my wide, male hands worthy of work

and comfort.

I would swagger through life

muscled and bold and assured,

drawing praises to me

like currents in the bed of wind, virile

with confidence.

not good enough not strong enough not good enough


I apologize.

Tasks do not come easily.

Each failure, a glacier.

Each disapproval, a bootprint.

Each disappointment,

ice above my river.

So I have worked hard.

not good enough.

My sacrifice I will drop

bone by bone, perched

on the ledge of my womanhood,

fragile as wings.

not strong enough

It is snowing steadily

surely not good weather

for flying – this sparrow

sillied and dizzied by the wind

on the edge.

not smart enough.

I make this ledge my altar

to offer penance.

This air will not hold me,

the snow burdens my crippled wings,

my tears drop like bitter cloth

softly into the gutter below.

not good enough not strong enough not smart enough


Choices thin as shaved

ice. Notes shredded

drift like snow

on my broken body,

covers me like whispers

of sorries.

Perhaps when they find me

they will bury

my bird bones beneath

a sturdy pine


and scatter my feathers like


unspoken song


over this white and cold and silent


breast of earth.


Some writing, deliverance, and Freedom.

There isn’t much to say about what has recently happened to me, because none of you were there. To describe the power of deliverance is to describe how a person can be set free of years of bondage. As you can imagine, it’s pretty hard to put into words with much accurate representation. All I can say about it, is that once again, the men of TheEdge have once again intervened in my life, and with Christ, brought me to a place of healing and Grace. The God we serve is a loving, gracious, and strong God. I cannot wait to move in action in the freedom that Christ provides. God bless you.

Today I featured a little something I wrote in class almost a month back. The context is hazzy, but it is all about the un-forseen future/things to come.

A Stage Within A Stage (10.22.11)
What is a stage, but a platform to shine.
Swallow the butterflies and countdown the time.
This ladder was almost impossible to climb.
The air is cold in this room

The wind carries the warmth with the cool breeze.
North, east, south, and westward, over tops of the trees.
Distance fills the gaps, but I don’t want it to PLEASE!
This room is foreign.

This journey is draining me like a plug in a sink.
Seeing two meld to one, send an apathetic wink.
Endless nights on the edge, sending me to the brink.
Show me the exit.

This is a stage within a stage, a plan inside a cage.
A place to set sail for the chapter in the page.
The message in a bottle is just bottled up rage.
This room is now home.

Elevendy 11, 2011

Today is a cool day, special from most of the others. For everyone, today has a certain meaning. I know that for most, today is a day that we can commemorate Veterans. Some stuff you may not have known about today:

November 11th was first labeled Armistice Day by Woodrow Wilson in 1919 after the 1st World War. The day continued to be a great source of inspiration to the country as it was the “War to end all Wars,” that is, until WWII. Armistice Day began to loose it’s potency, war after war that we fought.
In 1953, Alvin King, a shoe repair man, had the idea to expand the day to all vets and so call it, “Veterans Day.” In 1954, that is just what Congress did. They renamed Armistice Day into Veterans Day, to honor ALL veterans who have served this country.
For a stint in 1971, Veterans Day was moved to the fourth Monday in October, but in 78′ the holiday was moved back to its original date, November 11th.
Some companies take off for Veterans Day, and in a poll taken in Society for Human Resource Management in 2010, 21 percent of employers planned to observe the holiday in 2011.
I know that some schools take off for the holiday, as the school that I am running a group for, failed to mention to me today. That was a “fun” trip to the empty school.

Today has many other meaning though. Corey Mac is having a birthday today. Matthew Bailey is celebrating his birthday today. My fellow camp counselor Alex Hayes’s birthday is today. For them, today has special meaning in a much different way.

If you are a gamer, then I don’t even need to tell you what came out today. For the rest of you, Skyrim is a video game that takes over your life and ruins a persons social career. Have fun today fanatics.

And finally, today has some very superstitious meaning to the rest of the world. Today is 11.11.11. It only comes once in a century. I will only experience one other like it in my lifetime. Next year will be 12.12.12. The next time any month will align with any year and day will be around 90 years from now in 2101. Of course, this day, as far as 11.11.11 is concerned, is no different than any other, but people like to revel in the awesomeness that is THE SAME NUMBERS!!@!#$!@%

For me? Today was spent, getting up, eating breakfast, going to work, and going back home. I didn’t hug a veteran, I didn’t wish anything on 11:11am, and I didn’t go out and buy Skyrim..skip work/responsibilities and play it. Really, I didn’t have much of a day. The school group I was supposed to run…didn’t have school, my favorite couples client (yes we can have favorites) cancelled due to a last minute work meeting, and I work until 5pm, where I will be faced to get going on some class related projects that will inevitably cause me to not want to do anything today.

Maybe that’s what today will be for me. Thanking my veterans for giving me freedom to have a restful, free day, that I can use to recoup myself. Maybe tonight wont be so bad after all.


Strap in for the rant of your life.

In class today, my professor decided that we watch a film. This film was the groundbreaking case that launched a class action suit against a mining company located near a small town in Minnesota. This film is called “North Country.”

If you haven’t seen the movie, it is about a woman that sued the mining company, Eveleth Taconite Company for repeated acts of sexual harassment. This was only just under thirty years ago that laws for sexual harassment were even considered. The film was graphic and blunt about the type of harassment that occurred in the workplace for women just starting off in the mines. The movie was hard to watch, and there were scenes that made me sick to my stomach.

Let me just say right off, right now…that I am proud of the man that I have become. I am also proud of every man who respects women, honors them, cares for them. I respect ANY man who does not lay a finger on a woman when he is angry or jazzed [to put it delicately]. Any man who advocates for woman in the workplace, because it does still happen today, is a hero in my book.

I have to say that I am speechless and have no words to adequately describe what I’m feeling right now. There is Anger, resentment, shame, and rage for every piece of scum that has treated women as lower, worthless, trash. I serve a God who still loves them, and that is the truth. Tough to swallow? Yeah, you could say that. I also feel pride in men who know better, do better, and act better. Who stand for what is right, who don’t let wrong go unseen. Men who hold virtue and chivalry as core tenants to being a man. Tenants that have gone by the wayside with some men.

If you are a man, and you are reading this…I recommend that you watch this film. I find it imperative that you expose yourself to the message that this film has to offer, and I hope that it moves you into action as it has for me. I also want to extend out deep sympathy if you are reading this and have been sexually harassed in the workplace. If this has happened to you, and you find yourself wordless, please let someone know. You are not alone.

RESOURCES: (sexual harassment support thread)