The Month in Retrospect

Hey everyone. It seems that life passed by faster than I ever thought it could this December. It may be myself, but I was not able to keep a hold on this month, watching it careen by, waving as it passed. Many things happened this month, and I am full of stories. It is a shame that I cannot divulge them right now, but this month has been filled with trials and happiness mixed. I have payed back my parents, emptying my account, I have reconnected with God, I have reunited with my best friend from New Zealand, things with my guys small group are going well. God is blessing me to say the least. I am thankful, I really am.

With friends to back me up, with my faith on the rise, with my family looking on the up and up, I truly feel blessed. I am also finally taking on my responsibilities and letting no man dictate who I am meant to be or act. I am letting God be my role model and not letting the approval of others shape how I act to and around others. It has been a complicated trial that I have been going through, but it seems to be going well. 
I can’t tell you how siked I am about FNBS (Friday Night Bible Study) right now. I feel that God is going to try and take back the hearts of the men in the bible study. I feel that He desperately wants that solid relationship that He desires in each and everyone of the men in FNBS. He has plans for them… I just ask that He show me the way to be the best example I can be: Be Christ. I ask that everyday be a new day in Him. That the first thing I know how to do in the morning is go to Him. That my only concern is if He would approve of my life. You God: Be my lifeblood.

Outpour Of My Weary Soul

Outpour 12-3-08

If it is the lies that I feed you that you want, I can willingly give them over to you for a flat rate. If it is just the pain and suffering that you seek, I offer plenty of this as well. My heart is open and I am giving to the lowest bider. The spinning wheel of fate holds my end game. The problem lies when I am not sure when the madness ends. Will it cease to circle? Why is it that every corner holds a man in black? Why is it that in every alley, there is a man who is ready to entice and steal the precious moments that are still mine? I want so desperately to hold onto them. I want so desperately to keep them close. Don’t take them away. But I know its not something he takes. It’s something I give away. Like a lamb to slaughter, I give it. Without trouble, without effort and without thought…I give it away. Again and again, time after time I give it. It is the insensible thing when we just give up everything for nothing, and yet this is what I seem to do time over time over time. The repetition of it is what makes me sick. Why? What provokes you, they ask. What does it give back in return? What do you gain?! For questions such as these, I am left without speech. Lost in the haziness and fog.


This is where you can find out more about what I am writing about. As many of you who read this know, when something impacts me emotionally, my medium is writing. Whether that be poetry or just getting it out before I explode. This is what I made:
Today steel and glass broke free from the frames,
the prisons that held them, controlled them, drove them.
Today drums were ringing, phones were singing, snow was falling,
falling down–outlining the wreck like a crime scene.
Today concern rang in, prayers weighed in, silence burned in,
into my memory–on loop mode, again and again.
Today tickets fell, money fell, tears fell,
hugs tell that love is stronger than green, stronger it seems.
Today never ends, it plays back again and again and again–
the same car, the same sound, the same wet and muddy ground.
Today was made by God, designed by God, crafted by God.
He knows the land ahead, and the dark behind, he knows my mind.
Today will melt like the snow, turn green and grow,
out of this only he will know, the direction this life will go.